Fingerprints

I lay here writing after what has been a bit of an emotional day. Thinking back to all of the moments that unfolded today there's one special moment that sticks in my mind from this evening. 

Let me set the scene so you can picture it all in your mind...

I'm standing in the kitchen after returning from the store with supplies to make a magnetic board that can stay on our fridge that is stainless steel. I cut it just right and as I asked Charlie to keep Autumn occupied in the living room while I mastered this DIY Project, I said out loud "this fridge is soo dirty!". I opened up the cabinet after wrestling with our new childproof locks to grab the cleaner for our appliances. I then tore 2 pieces of a the paper towel rolls, because let's be serious.. one is never enough?

I was leaning down, seconds away from spraying.. when I caught the reflection just perfectly on the lower part of the fridge. This is the portion of the fridge where Autumn can reach. This is where it's "dirty". But you know what? It's not dirty. It's her toddler baby fingerprints. I'm staring at the highest level she can reach in her world, where she all day pushes the fridge door closed for us when we open it. I'm staring at her little fingerprints when she puts both of her hands against it and roars like a lion at the door in the blurred reflection that maybe she sees of herself. I'm staring down at Autumn looking right back up at me as I make dinner, with one little hand on the fridge, leaning like she's waiting for my delicious cooking (hold the laughter). I'm staring at her teenie, tiny, little prints that she left behind of her baby days..

What did I do? I put the the cleaner away.. and the two paper towels for another day. I know if I wiped them away tonight they'll be back tomorrow. I know that..  But tonight, I just need one more day. One more day to see those little fingerprints from today. Don't we all?

Next time you're about to wash those little surfaces that your babies just can't keep their hands away from, take a moment to enjoy the true moments that created those little fingerprints.

Our Biggest Worry Before the Baby Arrived

When a new baby arrives I think that I can speak for most of us with pets when I say... it's nerve racking to know just how the animals will take to the new being in their home. I remember how stressed we were with our two cats. We researched and contemplated how we would keep her room "cat free". We thought of putting a screen door in replace of her wooden door to the nursery which would still allow air flow. Then we realized the cats would probably tear the screen apart. With our dog, Peanut who is our baby, that made us nervous. Would he be jealous of her? Would his awesome personality change in which he wouldn't be our baby anymore? Would he hate us? 

5 months after Autumn Lily was born and we find ourselves laughing at all of those worries. Peanut was extremely protective of Autumn in the beginning. He wouldn't let the cats go near her never mind even get to smell her. Now they're all friends, with the exception of Nevan (our first cat). He has no interest in anyone or anything but food. Now that Autumn can sit and reach she likes to grab Peanut and the cats. Peanut keeps his distance these days but still watches over her. 

Here is a little taste of the silliness between Autumn and her babies. I believe she's trying to tell Peanut how stressful teething is. 

Our Funny Valentine

This past Valentine's Day was Charlie and I 14th Valentine's together. I remember early on in our relationship something always came up on that day where we couldn't spend it together. After a few years it wasn't so much a big deal anymore. We never went out but we would give each other cards and maybe the occasional gift.

A year ago was our first Valentine's as a married couple, woohoo! Since it felt like a special enough reason to celebrate we had reservations and went to dinner. I remember feeling so happy being out with Charlie at a fancy shmancy restaurant enjoying a glass of wine and chicken parmigiana. I felt pretty and not so broken. Mainly, because a few weeks prior I had gotten positives on a bunch of pregnancy tests. Sadly, for whatever reason those "positives" just were not meant to be that month, they weren't meant to be for us at that time. 

Being out with Charlie that night on Valentine's Day cheered me up, lifted my spirits. I wasn't sitting around questioning "why me? why us?". What I hadn't known then, which I know now.. is that night when we were at dinner celebrating the Holiday of Love as a married couple, we had already conceived Autumn. 

This past Valentine's Day we spent the evening in, snuggling with Autumn, enjoying take-out of Chicken Parmigiana and a bottle of wine. We celebrated the love that Autumn has brought to our lives and forever this Holiday will represent her. 

Telling Stories Without Books

We show her love every day.

Every second.

We give her kisses.

We tell her how much she's loved.

Every day she wakes up

I tell her what a miracle she is.

Every day she wakes up

I tell her she completes us.

Even though she won't remember now

I tell her stories.

Stories about Charlie and I 

How we met.

When we found our first apartment.

Moving in on New Year's Eve.

Searching for our own home.

Moving in on Halloween.

How we found Nevan, Minnie and Peanut.

I tell her about Larry the Frog who will never die.

When we found out we were pregnant.

The reactions of announcing to everyone.

I tell her so many stories.

About visits to NYC.

Vacations in Old Orchard.

The time we went to Disney.

Travelling to California.

The time we lost power for a week during a blizzard.

How Charlie would win at Survivor.

Day trips that Charlie and I have taken.

Amazing places we stumbled upon while driving

with no direction.

I tell her about her family.

Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins.

I show her pictures and name the faces.

I've told her about the time I chased a thief in my car 

with her Auntie Michelle. 

Her eyes widen, because I animate my voice every time.

I told her the first time I went fishing with my Memere.

I told her stories of my Memere, Papa and my Grandma.

I told her how much Charlie loved his Grandma.

Stories of people she won't have the chance to meet.

Like the best Birthday gift I ever got.

A cucumber wrapped in newspaper 

from a garden that my Papa and I grew together.

I tell her the things I loved to do as a child.

Biking, rollerblading, catching frogs, snakes and turtles.

Playing kick the can with the my cousins.

I want to teach her that.

Art contests I had won and how it all began

with a coloring book.

I sing the stories to her.

Even though my voice is off key.

I tell her to always be herself, sing and dance her heart out.

You know.. like no one is watching.

I tell her how beautiful she is

and describe her face to her.

I'll continue to tell her stories every day 

someday maybe she'll tell me stories.

Someday maybe she'll tell her children stories

that I once spoke of.

If We Knew Then What We Know Now

In life it seems we are always telling ourselves if we knew then what we knew now, we would have done things differently. Wow, that's a tongue twister of a sentence! In all seriousness... with Autumn close to 10 weeks I think back to when we brought her home. Even more so, when she was born. If I could go back 10 weeks I would like to tell myself ...

...Labor is tough but eventually it ends and won't be forgotten. Labor makes you strong, incredible and like a super hero. You'll feel amazing, like you've moved the world and your husband will see you completely different after. He will love you more than he thought possible.  

...That back that hurt throughout the majority of the 2nd and 3rd trimester, you know. The back that didn't allow you to sleep or sit comfortably anywhere. The back that you thought would break during pushing the baby out. That back was actually just preparing you, strengthening you and once that baby is born you'll have a Back Bone! You won't be afraid to speak your mind anymore as your baby is number one. Your Back Bone will make you truly see that super hero that was created the first moment you heard Autumn cry.

...Breastfeeding will be hard, it's a journey. You will experience mastitis, an infection, Autumn will have tongue tie and you'll cringe anytime she wants to nurse. You will want to give up and you'll come to a point you do give up. That will only last a short time. The tongue tie will be fixed, the infection and mastitis will go away with great antibiotics. The down time when you are pumping and barely breastfeeding while you heal, you are going to miss breastfeeding. You will feel like you've lost your bond with Autumn, but you haven't. Even if you don't continue to nurse you'll never lose that bond. I just want you to know not to give up and to know you'll get through it, because after all.. you are a super hero.

...The nights will be tough. Even though you hadn't slept through the night during the last 8 weeks of your pregnancy, nights will be tough. They won't last long at all. When Autumn starts to smile, you'll wake up every morning and see a smiling baby. Once you see that smile it will make all those weeks prior with lack of sleep worth while. If you knew then what I know now, you'll appreciate every sleepless night that much more.

...The struggle of getting the baby to sleep. The first week will seem like a piece of cake, really. Autumn will sleep what feels like the entire day and when she nurses she will be half asleep during it.  When you put her in the crib, she'll just close her eyes and bam.. asleep! You'll think "this is so easy". Then week two will sneak up on you and it will take longer for Autumn to sleep. It will seem like forever standing in front of her crib with the lights low, swaddled and rocking her from side to side. Your arms will feel sore and legs will be tired. You'll put her down and she'll fuss each time she touches the mattress. I want to tell you to turn all the lights off in her room. She likes the dark. I want to tell you she likes music at night and feels safe. She will fight being swaddled but will feel very secure in it. I want to tell you not to rock her until she's fully asleep, just with her eyes barely opened. As the weeks pass by she will begin to soother herself to sleep and you'll be patting yourself on the back saying "this is so easy".

...Your life has changed forever. You will experience a new relationship. There was a piece missing in your life that you never knew before. When you hold Autumn for the first time, you'll realize that you are complete.

Embrace Moments and Stop Time

I still can't believe Autumn is 2 months old. I know in years from now I'll be saying the same thing. I get emotional by the end of each day knowing that when we wake up she's 1 day older than the last. I wish that we could be given a bunch of moments in which we could stop time. It of course is hard to choose moments... but if I had some chances to go back, I'd hold tight to the moment I was handed Autumn. I would have smelled her little newborn head longer and rubbed my face longer against her fuzzy little newborn hair before it all fell out. Because of this feeling of days rapidly passing by, I embrace all the time I get with Autumn. I tell her what's happening in those moments and why they're so special. Why life is so beautiful. I'm happy to have moments like that captured but I want them back already.

9 Days Old

1 Month Old

2 Months Old

Infant Reflux.. Not What The Mommy Ordered

This is our smiling baby girl. The happy baby and she really is a happy baby more than 90% of the time. Then there is that small % of time where she is a little sad face. Once I see those pouty lips, scrunchy nose and chin wrinkles appear I know that there is going to be a drop in the fun Autumn roller coaster ride. That happy smile can go to a sad face within seconds, minutes, hours or from a random noise that awakes her while she was peacefully sleeping.

Babies are just as emotional as their new mommies (in my opinion). That's what I have learned in these 8 weeks of Autumn's life. You can do everything you can possible to make them happy which most of the time works but sometimes they just are little fussy faces. 

Aside from those moments our little jelly bean is going through a rough time with Infant Reflux which we just discovered within the last few weeks. Certain symptoms we just took as "she's a newborn and that's how babies are". It wasn't until last week that I just felt something was not right. I didn't realize how common it was and it's been comforting talking to other mommies that went or are going through reflux with their little munchkins. (Shout-out to the most amazing support system!)

I wanted to write a post on this so that I can track Autumn's progress and when we get past this I hope it can help other moms to know they're not alone. That is how I felt, alone... until I found others that are battling this. I am no expert by any means but am sharing our experience. 

To an adult, reflux is not fun, and it may not seem like the worst thing in the world, but when a baby has it and you see the pain they're going through.. it's honestly like someone ripping your heart out and you're told to give it time.

What are her symptoms? She was beginning to arch her back during feedings and scream. She pulls away from the bottle several times as well my breasts during nursing and latches back on. These actions she would repeat. For a breastfeeding mom that looks forward to that comfort of nursing, experiencing this takes quite a toll on you emotionally. Not being able to nurse your baby to sleep or comfort her leaves you feeling extremely depressed, unfulfilled and insecure. She would do this all while crying and seeming as though she's incredibly uncomfortable and frustrated. She spits up quite frequently which of course causes more acid. Mind you, there are good feedings normally earlier in the day. It always progresses as the day does. She would cry at times being placed on her back and wake up at moments screaming (not fussing or baby cries) as if she was in complete pain. Sadly, for a few weeks we thought maybe she's just gassy in which we followed instructions on helping the baby push through that..... but no dice.

Supposedly, reflux can just "go away" between 3-6 months old, vamoosh, outta here! Some have mentioned it took a year before their babies reflux vanished. If you're going through this you know it's not something you can wait out and let it pass. You're missing out on valuable time with your babies during those feedings and at other times during the day. 

What are our Treatment Methods? There's so many things we have read online that work for some and not for others but we are working on trying everything possible! I'm constantly researching to work on getting rid of this reflux or at least controlling it.

*We have bought a sleep wedge for her crib to raise her up. This way when she sleeps, she's on an angle (just as adults need to do when they have reflux). 

*After each feeding we have to keep her upright for 20-30 minutes. For moms that know if a baby is sleepy this definitely is a burden as you know your baby is completely exhausted, but that's what we need to do. 

*Burping, burping, burping.. man does she hate burping. This hasn't changed as it's something we've always done and has to be done reflux or no reflux.

*We have now began adding a very small amount of rice cereal to her bottles she gets in the evening of breast milk. This weighs down the milk which then makes is less likely of her spitting up after the bottle. 

*Medicine - We are parents that do not like giving our baby medicine and prefer other options but in this case we have started her per the pediatrician on Zantac. She's been on this for a week now and we had to increase the dosage to the maximum that is still safe for her weight and age. 

*Mommy Diet - I have began a diet to rule out any allergies that are causing Autumn's reflux. I have taken milk, eggs, nuts, soy and fish out of my diet. Try finding stuff to eat... it's a toughie but it's what this mommy has to do for her baby!

We're hoping that among all of this there were will be some relief for our little Autumn Lily. Already, she is doing well with the rice cereal in her evening bottles. Shes' successfully finished them with no spit up which is wonderful. We haven't noticed a difference yet with the sleep wedge as she's still sleeping the same stretches as before. The medicine as I mentioned we had to increase. If there is no change by next week we'll be seeing other options. The diet, I just began so we wouldn't see a drastic change quite yet.

I am at this moment sending positive thoughts to all of those mommies out there in which their little babes are suffering from reflux. It's definitely a tough time but enjoy all the smiles your baby gives you and embrace all those happy moments you get during the day. That's what keeps you going and provides the light at the end of the tunnel that once there is control over the reflux we'll get that small % of time we're missing out on, back.

Mommy Life!

I carry Autumn from room to room as she's focusing more and discovering new things we always stop at any mirror so I can have her admire her cuteness. She smiles and mainly looks up at me. I can't wait until she's giggling and her reflection giggles back. I look at myself sometimes and see this pale, freckled woman with bags under her eyes, chapped lips, frizzy hair pulled back with random pieces hanging down as if I got a bad haircut and pieces got missed. My clothes don't match and nor do my socks if I have any on. I have to say though, I'm OK with it all and I can laugh at myself for it. Because when I turn my head and look at the beautiful girl I'm carrying that's what is most important. So here are some fun facts I've learned about myself that I'm sure one day will change once we have a nice daily routine together, but for now I find it all hilarious.

Mommy's Attire:

I was very happy when I put on a pair of my pre-baby jeans and they fit. I danced in the mirror, spinning around with so much excitement. Amazing, right? Well, I can count on one hand how many times I've worn my jeans since we had Autumn. 

Sweat pants, pajamas, my robe, leggings, sweatshirts and easy access tops to "the ladies" for breastfeeding is my daily wardrobe.

There are days you will change your shirt as often as you change diapers...

There are days you won't bother changing your shirt. 

There are days you don't know how many days in a row you've worn the same thing.

There are days you won't know what is even on your shirt (Did I have chocolate today?)

Mommy's Hair: 

I always loved my hair and curling it. For the longest time in my teens, I wanted to be a hairdresser (in another life possibly). 

I have a tub of bobby pins to pull my bangs up that I'm desperately trying to grow out, hair elastics up the ying-yang as Autumn's new favorite thing is pulling my hair, which I'm not going to lie.. it's the cutest thing ever and makes me thankful it's long enough for her to snug on. 

I am constantly pulling strings of my hair off her clothes and taking back what she rips off my head from her teenie little hands. When taking a shower I find hair elastics and bobby pins on the bottom of the shower as I am in such a rush I forget to take my hair down.

My hairbrush? Where is my brush? I can't even remember the last time I brushed my hair. Perhaps Christmas? Yes, I am pretty sure I brushed my hair on December 25th. 

Mommy's Skin:

I used to never be able to leave the house without making up. Never ever. I would literally have a panic attack if my face wasn't made up as I never wanted anyone to see me without makeup. A true insecurity and something I battled so long. Near the end of my pregnancy I began wearing less and less of my makeup to the point I did not care anymore that I was leaving the house with a blank canvas aka my face. Mainly because I was so uncomfortable!

There's no time for makeup and if there is, its a light brush of foundation where half of the powder falls in the sink or on my bedroom floor. I don't have time to take the clumps of mascara out of the brush so they either end up in my eyeball or I smear my eyelashes and then have to wipe it off my face, removing any or all foundation I was able to apply. Eye Shadow? I'm pretty sure at times I put a different color on each eye instead of blending in two colors on both eyes. 

I have a skin cream that is said to moisten the skin and make it smooth. Well, we will just see about that! It does however make me feel good putting that on twice a day.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

The New Me.... Katie.... Mommy for now and I love it!

Don't Forget To Smile

In love. 

That is the first two words that come to mind.

When I think about our beautiful little girl, Autumn Lily. 

I love being a mom.

I love being her mom.

Every morning when we walk up to her crib, she looks up and her eyes open so wide.

She stretches her arms and legs out. 

She touches her face and gives us this big smile. Huge smile.

For any worries we have or as exhausted as we are. 

Believe me.. we are tired.

Her smile starts our day off the right way.

It's like getting a second wind. 

A refreshing new appreciation for life.

I love sharing her smile with everyone else each day

because I know what impact she makes on our life.

*I promise to share my story of her delivery soon.

Autumn Lily: 

November 20th 2014

3:16pm

7lbs & 19 3/4 inches

Awaiting Our Little Munchkin's Arrival

It sure has been a while since I wrote. With all intentions I was hoping to be able to post for 100 days prior to the arrival of our little one but getting ready for our little munchkin took up all of our free moments, which I do not regret at all. 

With only 9 days +/- until she gets here we are so very anxious and excited.I must admit that the last month of pregnancy sure is quite different than the other 36 weeks of pregnancy. It's a beautiful experience carrying the little one in there, the kicks, the wiggles, the hiccups and knowing that you are taking care of something so delicate. 

However, when it comes down to the last few weeks all that you want is to meet your little one. We imagine what she'll look like, the shape of her eyes, her nose, her lips, if she will have freckles or hair along with all of the colors of her features. We want to hold her and hear her cries. We want her to wrap her fingers around ours. 

Everyone says to be patient, but when you are this close and physically/emotionally ready, no one unless if they're pregnant at that exact moment or remembers being pregnant can understand the anticipation at this moment in time. 

So here's to the next 9 days give or take.. hopefully sooner than later, we will meet our sweet little girl and announce her to the world. 

79 Days Until We Meet You

This quote is what I heard over and over in my head on November 12, 2013. The day I went in for my surgery not knowing what the outcome would be in regards to my future with being able to conceive. What I did know was that I was going to be in a better place than I was prior to that day because in my heart I knew it was the right decision and I had an amazing surgeon. 

The first day meeting with the Doctor who eventually did my surgery he went over all my records from the past physicians I had seen over a 10 year period. He remained professional and I could see him shaking his head as he turned over some of the pages in my chart. Finally, when he finished he looked up at me and asked if I wanted to have children. I said "I do but for so long I've been told I can't". He said not even blinking an eye "Then you will have children". From that day on we began procedures and tests and ultimately the final result of it all was surgery. 

I think back to that first appointment with my doctor and sitting in my car while it was so warm. I burst into tears. I was so happy yet I was so angry as to how could I see so many doctors being told the same thing, making me feel so incompetent. Even to the point where one doctor gave me a card to see a therapist that could help me cope with the idea of having children (true story). Things I was told that I never shared with friends or family. 

There I was sitting in my car at the age of 29, in a hot car, with tears soaking my shirt... feeling for the first time in my life that I may not be broken after all. 

It will be just about if not exactly a year that Autumn will be born from the day I had my surgery to make this all possible. I'll forever be thankful for November 12, 2013 and the doctor who held and rubbed my hand as the anesthesia was kicking in saying, "everything will be okay Katie,.."

#79: We will make lists of things we are thankful for.

80 Days Until We Meet You

In the beginning everyone wants to get to 12 weeks. It's when risk begins to decrease and also begins all of the exciting tests and ultrasounds to learn more about your baby. I remember just wanting to say I was "12 weeks" as if it were yesterday. A few weeks ago we officially reached where we only had 12 weeks left. 

Writing that number on Autumn's new little chalkboard for her Nursery made me emotional, in a good way. I was so proud of myself for how far I've come and most especially proud of Autumn and how well she's doing. She's growing in there and teaching me the true meaning of patience. There were times when I was alone and things around me I lost all control of and I had my own little breakdowns. In moments of weakness I felt I had no strength. I just rub that little genie lamp of a belly and I realize she needs me. My little miracle needs me to keep staying strong and taking care of myself. Together we've made it so far and continue to make each day count. 

#80: I want you to experience color but also appreciate the beauty of black and white. 

82 Days Until We Meet You

These are the moments that I live for these days. When I'm relaxing before bed, writing, browsing the web or catching up on all my friends and families most recent activities on Facebook. 

I feel an incredible movement from Autumn and then I look down.. and there is no question where she is. Which part of Autumn exactly is causing that mountain of a lump that helps me to see my stomach freckles that have vanished in the past 7 months? That part we only guess. Maybe it's her little tooshie, or head.. possibly a knee. 

Placing my hand or Charlie's on there, rubbing that little bump and talking to her eventually causes her to move position. It's the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. It's very surreal at times and I know that our little girl is enjoying her time spent in there.

#82: Taking empty peanut butter jars, punching holes in the lids and catching fire flies.

83 Days Until We Meet You

I must have watched this video 50 times or more. It was our "Baby Announcement" video when we were around 10 weeks. I was so excited to share the news with everyone, but we of course wanted to be sure that all was well with our little one. At the time of the video we did not know the gender, we just called our little one, "Baby". This little baby was and is our Miracle. I'm glad we will forever have this video to share with Autumn someday. 

#83: We will take videos of all your milestones in life. The first giggle, when you have hiccups, first step, first words... We want to share all of these moments with you someday. 

87 Days Until We Meet You

A beautiful and oh so elegant gift for Autumn from Auntie Alisha. 

Our little miss Audrey Hepburn you will be. One of my favorite actresses of all time and an inspiration. 

As a child I danced. I danced.. and danced... and sang while I danced. I wanted a pink tutu and to take dancing classes. I never did take classes but that is on my bucket list still (never too old to join a class). 

There is something very free spirited about putting on a dress of any shape, color or length and playing tunes.. really loud. It doesn't have to be your favorite song and you don't have to be a good dancer (I sure am not). To spin around and loosen up every joint in your body and not care what anyone thinks. Living in the moment.. you are living in the moment. 

I hope Autumn feels free and can live in the moment being herself. Our Little Tiny Dancer.

#87: Watching while your father teaches you how to play guitar someday. 

88 Days Until We Meet You

There are so many things I do that help me relax in my day to day life and I pride myself on that. Though things stress me out just as much as they do for others, I can always take a deep breath, take a step back and evaluate the situation I'm in. Sometimes, if I don't want to think about the stress I'll give myself a little time out. I'll do something that occupies my mind just for a short while then return to the situation and figure out how to work through it. 

- A change of scenery makes a difference. Even if I can't leave my home, just walking into another room can bring my stress down. I may look around at the decor and think back to where I purchased something from. I may begin to get crazy ideas of moving furniture around (at a later time). 

- Stepping outside to smell the roses. I know that's such a cliche, but it's very true. If there are flowers, walk outside and smell them. Look at the details in the flowers.. they're artwork and pretty inspiring. You may even see little creatures crawling around getting their snack in.

- Going outside and laying in the grass. Anytime of the year this works, really. Even if there's snow on the ground, or if it's raining. It sounds nuts but being that close with nature is incredible.

- Going to the store and purchasing a coloring book and pack of crayons. Long ago I discovered this. Not just from spending my entire youth in Art classes, but coloring in a silly book, staying in the lines is truly therapeutic. Next time you go to the store pick out a coloring book and grab a pack of crayons.

- Shut off the phone. Sometimes our stress can be a direct impact from the phone. It's okay to turn it off for a while and tuck it in a drawer, your purse or in a room that's not in your direct view.

- Taking goofy photos of yourself. That's always been a go to of mine. I must have hundreds thousands of photos that I'll never share because I look absolutely ridiculous but they make me laugh. Set up a timer, put makeup on, or decorate your face and hair. Let your face relax and think of every emotion or gesture there is. Just be yourself and you don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks. 

- A go to hobby always relaxes me. I am always finding new hobbies that don't last very long but perhaps that's a good thing. It keeps my mind busy and challenging. 

- Since I'll be a FTM "First Time Mom", going in Autumn's Nursery and laying on her white squishy rug on the floor has been so peaceful for me. I can lay there for hours just thinking about the day she's sleeping in there. 

I know not all of those stress relievers I do now will be the same when Autumn arrives. The bottom line is no matter how bad things are we are still breathing and it's okay to take a step back, take that deep breath to make you realize... you're still alive and give yourself a time out by doing something that occupies your mind and body.

#88: We are going to sit in the grass and make dandelion necklaces & crowns while taking silly photos together. 

90 Days Until We Meet You

There is a genuine, calming feeling when you're home. My favorite part of our home has always been the deck. I appreciate it's presence no matter what season we're in. Especially, our very worn down swing that I've spent countless mornings, afternoons and evenings laying on with Peanut. Evenings that Charlie and I had just sat there in silence or discussing our day. 

As a child my Papa had put together a swing on our front porch that we shared with my grandparents. I remember sitting on that swing beside my Papa while he read the newspaper, or smoking a cigarette talking to someone across the porch. It was comforting to be beside my grandfather and listen to his voice. Even during the last year we had with him we would sit on that porch together. I was home. 

I look forward to the day little Autumn can sit beside us or even climb up on her own on the swing, or future more updated swing. I hope she finds peace in those moments I had whether I was sitting with someone, Peanut, reading or writing my poetry. 

You look at the rusted object on our deck and see a swing. I see my past, where I am now and the many memories we will create as a family. Where ever that swing is, we will be home.

#90: All of the many adventures we'll have. One being bringing your big brother Peanut to the park. 

94 Days Until We Meet You

I have just another week before I enter my 30s and I have to say.. that I'm pretty damn excited about it. Not only is it beginning a new decade and a life changing event for me but little Miss Autumn Lily will be starting this new Chapter with me. Starting fresh! 

I have been spending so much time lately going through photos of when I was a child and having Charlie pick through his as well. I want to be able to compare all those stages of our childhood to her as she grows. All of those little features she will have we talk about a lot. Who's eyes she'll have, what nose will be more like hers, if she'll be tiny like I was or have his olive skin. What color her hair will be eventually and if she'll have green or blue eyes. We've been creating a visual in our mind and I'm so excited to see our cute little baby. 

This will all happen in my 30s and it's truly the best gift I could ever ask for. 

#94: The collection of Photo Books (which will end up being a whole Encyclopedia Britannica Collection) you'll have for each year of your life along with many special occasions in between. 

95 Days Until We Meet You

I think one of my greatest fears of becoming a Mom and I know it's what others feel as well is protecting our children. The News lately seems to get worse as each day passes which is inevitable. There will continue to be these stories and bold headlines in which they stand out letting us know that evil exists out there in the world. 

When I was younger I had this strong view in which every one is good in the world, even those that commit some of the most tragic crimes. That deep within them there is good and they just need someone to help bring it out of them. As I've gone through life and witnessed events or had an impact from things I've seen, I realized that perhaps there was good at some point in some of those people but sadly it's not there anymore. 

I want to protect my child but I do not want her to live in fear. I hope to be able to show her so much good in the world that she does see that the positives outweigh the negatives every time. I want her to experience life while knowing her surroundings and also keeping an open mind and open heart.

I hope that if she sees someone lost in life she will help them find their way. I hope she doesn't judge others but can decipher whether where she is and who she is with is safe. I want her to always find a silver lining and to be able to look past the darkness that sometimes can be suffocating whether it's from the news or in general, negativity in our lives and be able to smile.

She has the biggest heart as I have heard it beating so many times.  

#95: We will go barefoot together and jump in puddles while it's raining. 

96 Days Until We Meet You

 

This is my last week before entering the 3rd and Final Trimester of my pregnancy. I was looking back at all of the events that occurred beginning in the 1st Trimester and thought I would list some of those to have written down in case my memory slips someday.

1st Trimester:

• Seeing our first positive on the pregnancy test before even hitting 4 weeks. Then taking a gazillion (yes... a gazillion) more just to make sure that positive did not change to a negative. 
• At 5 weeks when we felt confident of the pregnancy, Charlie and I took a day trip together to celebrate as we walked around Gillette Castle and grabbed lunch. It went in the book as one of the happiest days of our lives.
• Sharing the news with our parents and siblings. It was so hard keeping that from everyone as we wanted everyone together to announce at once. The excitement, tears and hugs were priceless.
• Going up to Boston to spend a weekend with 2 of our Best Friends. 
• Finding out that one of my best friends & cousin's are also due with their first babies.
• The first Doctor's Appointment which was very upsetting.
• The second Doctor's Appointment which followed 5 days later in which everything turned out to be better than we expected. 
• Being handed our first ultrasound photo.
• Ordering a Fetal Doppler Monitor  to hear the heartbeat at home. 
• Receiving the Monitor in the mail only after 3 days and after 20 minutes of listening to what ended up being my heartbeat.. we heard our baby.
• Two of my very best friends giving birth to their second babies! 
• Planning and prepping for my sister's Bridal Shower.
• Our official Announcement at 10 Weeks that we are expecting our Little Miracle in November. You Can watch our video "Here". 
• Dinner & Lunch Dates with all my wonderful friends, catching up and enjoying each other's company.

2nd Trimester:

• Finally feeling safe enough to get my hair done and hide all the dark roots that were taking over my head.
• Celebrating my Sister's Bridal Shower on a day with perfect weather!
• Finding out the Gender of the baby.
• Uncertain of the gender of the baby.
• Going back to confirm the gender of the baby and it was different than the first time.
• Confirmation that we are having a GIRL as the umbilical cord decided to move out of the way.
• Going away for a long weekend with Charlie to Lake Winnipesaukee where I finally was getting my appetite back and ate everything in site. We took a train ride and then drove ourselves around the entire lake. 
• Celebrating Charlie's 34th Birthday at a Max Burger. 
• Bought Charlie some gifts for Father's Day from myself and little Autumn. One being a book that had a list of all the amazing Kid Friendly places to hike in CT. Right up his alley!
• My sister's BIG DAY arrived. A wedding that was truly beautiful, memorable and perfect!
• Being a part of my nephew Parker's "Blessing Ceremony".
• Completing the Anatomy Screening of our little girl to find out she had a small Choroid Plexus Cyst in her brain. We were told it was nothing to worry about and would go away in the early 30 weeks of pregnancy. Of course.. we worried.
• A jam packed 4th of July Weekend where I discovered the pain I was constantly having was from my Gall Bladder.
• A follow up screening to confirm little Autumn had no heart defects (which she doesn't) and a surprise to find out that the cyst had went away prior to 30 weeks. 
• Another hair appointment to banish the roots as those amazing Prenatal Vitamins sure made my hair grow!
• Off to vacation we went to celebrate our last time as a couple. 

#96: A favorite past time as a family will be going to the store to buy a loaf of bread 

and sit at Mill Pond Park while we break away little pieces to feed the ducks.

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