Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

I don't want to be pesimistic but it seems no matter how much time passes there is always something that strikes the Media like lightening bolt. It's in the headlines, takes over the TV, ends up in schools and then before you know it people are upset about something. There's always something right?

I'm lucky to have grown up with a diverse family. My relatives all have different personalities. I had friends from different cultures. The greatest appreciation I have though is being surrounded by such open minded, loving, free spirited people. My friends became family, their parents became my parents. I learned so much from different groups of people so there was no time to judge or dislike anyone around me when I was raised to love and embrace friendships.

With all of that said I feel that no matter what color, ethnicity, shape, size, sex... someone is love does not care. Your heart can't see it only feels. It should make no different who you love. Anyone who cares about you will be happy no matter what because that's what we do when we love someone. We support one another.

I think it's pretty obvious my views on gay marriage. I don't even like saying that because I don't think it should be titled any differently. But unfortunately this is the world we live in and a label is put on everything, right? I support it because I praise love and devotion.

Anyone who has a problem with this topic I think needs to take a little journey and get to know yourself a little more. I hope that doesn't come out mean. I just feel that we lived in this crazy society where normal is misconstrued. Times are changing and people have to learn to stop judging others and appreciate what opportunities are out there and the idea of change is a good thing.

I love you all and goodnight :)

Simmer down, Fizz!

So I now have quit biting my nails. I have to say that by letting everyone know it really helps me. The reason for that is I feel all eyes are me in regards to whether I will place my fingers in my mouth (gross!). There were a few times, lying.. many times today my hands slowly reached my mouth. Then I thought.. SPYS! Someone will tattle on me, so I'm glad that others know about my nasty habit I stopped. Day 2 complete, it's such a struggle..

Onto what I let go or gave up today. Did the title give it away? Soda, yep I'm done with it. I mean, I hope to be. There's nothing like a really cold glass of soda when my throat hurts and the fizz just snap, crack, popping in my throat. The other thought is what it's doing to me, the artificial sugar coating everything inside of me, ruining the teeth. I'm not trying to knock soda because there are so many other beverages that have the same effect. I bet I could live to be 100 drinking only soda, I'm just choosing to remove it from my life.

Goodbye my sweet Pepsi. It's been real.

Love you crazy peeps!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I'm sitting here with no makeup on so when I say I'm being as real as possible, I mean it. Pretending I'm in a courtroom on the stand being asked this same question..

Prosecutor "Miss Broderick, do you read books"
ME "Uhm.. well.. I mean.. yes.. no.."
Prosecutor "Please answer the question.. do you read books?"
ME "Yes, but I really only read one author..Mitch Albom"

Then you hear gasping in the courtroom as the Judge yells 'ORDER' and slams the stupid hammer looking device. Sidenote, those are like weapons and shouldn't be allowed.

Prosecutor "You're not very open to other authors I see.."
My attorney then steps in to say.. "Objection.. that's not a question.."
Prosecutor "Okay, please tell everyone your favorite book from this here Mitch Albom?"

At this point a sad song would come on. Maybe a Beatles tune... "The long and winding road..."

ME "The Five People You Meet In Heaven is the title...It's taking a look at those who made a difference in your life. We cross paths with people everyday and don't put much thought into what role they may be playing. Here's a book about an elderly man who dies after trying to save someone's life. He then goes on a journey in what people could consider as the after life. He's greeted by 5 people that were apart of his life at some point and made a difference. He learns how they changed his life and vice versa. It's amazing and these are the things people take for granted. We take for granted all of these great, genuine people who have maybe hurt us, loved us, either way they've helped us get to where we are. Turning it around we do so much for others. It's amazing..."

The end. This is where the courtroom applauds and the Judge gives up.

:) Love you all!


You can't bite your friends, so don't bite your nails..

Well, I did it. Cold turkey... I'm on the wagon? Today was my first day of letting something go or some type of change in my life. I quit biting my nails. Also, as someone brought to my attention after the day was done is how many germs are out there. I rather forget about that comment as it gives me the eebee geebees. Now it's one of my favorite friends turn to stop biting hers. If I can do it.. you can do it. We'll be each other support system! That's the other thing I forgot to mention. If you're going to choose to let something go that you know is a great struggle definitely let someone close to you know. I guess for safety reasons? It's just good to have someone rooting for you, everyone needs a cheerleader at some point in their life.

So what did you let go? Any ideas for days to come that you would like to eliminate from your life?

Thank you for being you!


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

My New Challenge?!

Well.. hello neighbor..

I'm creating a challenge that I hope others enjoy as well. I'm super psyched as I feel it could change my life. Are you on the edge of your seat.. waiting to read what the challenge will be? I have trouble letting go and throwing things out. It's funny though because I love change, does that make any sense to you? I move furniture around alot, really, ask Charlie. I change my clothes too many times a day, really, ask my sister and Mom. I'm not a hoarder though, not even sure if I spelt that right. I do save alot though, cards, letters, emails, clothes, makeup, old shoes that I never wear, hair products, lotions (I'm currently looking around trying to think of other examples).. I think you get my drift. I guess I wouldn't call myself a collector, just never throw anything away unless they're gone.

So what is my challenge? Did you figure it out? I'm pretty sure I summed it all up. Here is my next journey which I will start tomorrow and still continue the 30 Days of Truth, of course!

Each day I will let something go. It could be an item I will throw away, give away, ridding bad habits or weaknesses. In a way I'll be letting go, simplifying and moving on. I'm so excited. I think my life will feel lighter, that's my goal atleast!

Wish me luck and enjoy the ride.

Love you all,

Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I know that the topic is looking for something specific and I'm staying away from the 'someone' and sticking with that 'something'. A matter of fact I'm going to shimmy together a little list of things that are apart of my life, perhaps take over it and that I know I can live without.. I just don't have the strength. I wish I was Rocky..

.. biting my nails. I don't understand why I bite them, it's really not a nervous habit.. it's just a nasty habit. There's a video of me when I was only a few months old and of course my fingers were in my mouth probably biting my nails with my gums no doubt. I did quit.. a few times actually.. but unfortunately caved and well you know the rest.

.. makeup. I remember when I was smaller probably 5 or 6 we had a babysitter who was great and wore so much makeup, but it was pretty. She would bring it over and put makeup on me. She also gave me a few of her eyeshadows and I would every so often put makeup on and run downstairs. I'd approach my mom saying 'notice anything'? She would say 'oh you look pretty'. That was all just fun and let me say I now despise the day in High School that I started wearing makeup, because it's hard to stop.

.. spiders I don't think I have to talk much on this topic, haha.

.. magazines. If every magazine known to man just disappeared in thin air, I would survive. I actually think this world would be 50% happier ;)

The end.

Oh wait! Sad endings in movies where the good guys die. I can live without that.


Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

"Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes is certain for those who are friends."

I think it's safe to say that we have all lost someone we love. When someone passes the beginning is unreal, nothing seems to be as it is. We feel it's make believe and they'll walk back through that door smiling like they always did. Waiting to hear them laugh or feeling you need to call them to tell them something that only they would understand.

Then shortly after reality begins to suffocate us and we can't imagine getting on with our lives without that person with us. In our eyes nothing will ever be the same. Our heart is breaking and it hurts, the worst pain ever. Just the feeling knowing we can never hold them again. And then.. as time goes on our heart heals. It may not ever be completely whole again but it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did before.

Have you ever lost someone and felt all of those emotions? I have and you know.. I'm still here. My heart is beating at times not strong as others but it is. I still cry time and time again thinking about people that I've lost in my life and there's sadly a good amount. At the same token.. I smile too thinking about the memories because I'm happy I have those moments.

So yes, there have been genuine people who I have crossed paths with during my life that I have lost and currently I am living without. For a long time I felt I would never make it without them physically being here. Believe when I say I'm not religious as I once was but I know that some of their characteristics I clung on to so a little of me reminds me of them.

I love you guys.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Off the Track and a Little off Topic


It's Sunday night and my eyes are getting heavy which is a great sign. Since I've been out of work for a whole 2 weeks my sleep pattern has been off completely. I'm up all night completely uncomfortable and wide awake while my body is exhausted during the day. I was panicking a little thinking of this night wondering will I be able to sleep? Or perhaps, I'll be up and having trouble keeping my eyes open at work. That would be just awful. I think I'll be okay.

I wanted to take a little hiatus from my 30 Days of Truth. I did however want to get feedback to see what people thought of it the concept and perhaps what I've written. Do you enjoy reading this different topics and what my answers have been? Do you disagree/dislike anything or learned anything new? It doesn't have to be from me, but maybe it gave you the chance to ask yourself things too?

I've personally really enjoyed doing this as I'm halfway through and see all that I've accomplished. I'm looking forward to my next challenge once I'm done with this that my lovely friend is doing. I don't read ahead so I never know what I'll have to answer next, keeping it a little exciting that way!

Being home these past few weeks I've done nothing but sleep, move around, cough, take medicines, drink water, put layers of clothes on then remove to avoid sweats and chills. Also, I've been able to bond with Peanut so much more and spend some time with my kitties that I think have been neglected since we got the puppy. I haven't worn any makeup which believe me I never leave the house without. I got used to looking in the mirror and seeing my skin and the colour I lost from being sick. I have been able to really see myself in a different light. It sounds scary, it is scary. I've also seen some of the most ridiculous shows that I never knew existed because again I haven't had much of a life.

Thanks for reading all my random thoughts. Love you all and have a fabulous week!

Love always,

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Dear Kate Hudson,

I was debating writing this to you but after many hours of contemplating I decided it should be you. You're a true role model in my eyes and I've always considered you my favorite actress. You are extremely down to earth, full of life, naturally beautiful, play great roles, love everything I read about you in the magazines but most of all youre like an A cup. I know that sounds weird coming from another girl, but honestly with all the crap out there models starving themselves, face lifts, nose jobs, etc you name it.. guys wonder why girls are so insecure with themselves.

I don't consider myself to be all that 'plump' on top if you know what I mean! I'm not a Pamela Anderson or anything close to a Julia Roberts. You however are small on top but you're elegant and confident. If all people with fame could be more like you then I think women would be able to love themselves more and stop comparing themselves to the world. It's the truth and I don't think too many people would disagree with my statement. Those that can make some sort of difference in the world, that have the power at their fingertips never take the opportunity.

You always did though.. until recently. The stories are tweaked but they say you had implants. The majority of the tabloids are stating it's just a lift to show a little cleavage and that was your present for your 30th Birthday. I understand all women do things to make themselves feel better but not once during any interview did you ever comment on your insecurities. For that I always felt you were strong and confident with the woman you are. When the stories came out and you were interviewed you did admitt to your insecurity with your size.

I don't want to say you truly let me down but it did sadden me a bit to know that someone I admired for her confidence was just as insecure about herself as I am about me.

With love,
Kate (not Hudson)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Counting Crows,

You're really lucky because Dave Matthews Band was pretty much tied with you before I wrote this letter. How could I not send a sweet love note to my favorite group? I've loved your music since I could remember dancing around my living room with a brush as my mic. I was rocking out, dancing with no rythym to my favorite, Mr. Jones. I actually made fun of Adam's hair but at the same time was wondering how I could perfect the look.

Lyrics mean a lot to me since I'm a poet. Just as the music from the instruments are the first someone who plays notices. Just one line is all it takes for someone to feel connected to a song to feel.. 'you get me.' I wanted to share with you some specific lyrics that you had written and the times of my life that they had helped me.

From your song She don't want nobody near...'She don't want no one around. Cause she don't want anybody to see. What she looks like when she's down. Cause that's a really sad place to be.' Now you're probably reading this thinking how did this help? There was a time maybe 6 years back when I was going through my first surgery. I was so sad and pitying myself I guess you could say. It got to the point where I didn't want to see anyone because I couldn't smile. I couldn't make anyone happy because I wasn't happy so I isolated myself a bit. After listening to the song it made me realize there's obviously someone out there that feels the same way because where else would the lyrics come from? It had such a catchy tune and I loved playing it over and over.

A Long December I have to ask who hasn't this song helped at some point? The idea of a year ending and a new one beginning is exciting and terrifying at the same time. If you had a bad year then you're praying that the new one will be fresh and so much better. If you had a good year you feel your luck could have run out. I've had some years that the bads definitely out weighed the positives. It happens. Losing someone you love will always haunt you for the year they passed away. Just the words.. maybe this year will be better than the last. It's comforting, very comforting and keeps me optimistic about what's to come.

My lovely Counting Crows, thank you. Alot of the songs may be depressing but it's okay, everyone needs something to relate to. Just like watching a sappy movie when you're down in the dumps. Sometimes you need someone else to go low with you before you can lift yourself back up. You guys have always been there and remain on my random mixed cds.

I love you for being you and enjoyed when Charlie and I were front row at your concert a few years back. Thanks for throwing me the guitar pick, I still got it ;)

Loving and singing along always & forever..

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Hola hola & hola!

I had to read this a few times because I interpret it different ways. Does it mean things I don't get complimented on because they're bad characteristics? For example, people say I'm too sensitive sometimes so it's not a compliment more of a criticism? Or does it mean something that people never notice. An example of that would be my fancy stillettos (did I even spell that write because I don't own a pair) I'm just kidding. I'm a Payless girl so my shoes besides sandals are not very cute looking. I wear the same boots to work all winter and don't get a new pair until they're completely worn out.

It's tricky, do you see what I mean? Or suppose, I'm over analyzing things. Oh wait! That's something I get criticism for, over analyzing every minute detail. Pa-ching.. another thing I don't get complimented on, haha. I guess I have to take the silly road hear and just spit like those that rap a few thoughts that come to my mind about things I don't get complimented on because perhaps they're not very noticeable.

..I rarely ever wear the same pair of socks. No one compliments me on that and it could be because they're covered by my $16.99 Payless Shoes and long pants because I hate wearing 'short' since they'll show my kankles. Yes.. I said kankles (thanks Nevan).

..My contacts are Oasis, they help keep my eyes very moist. I have to put eyedrops in them alot less than my old brands. It makes my life easier and my eyes very comfortable in their home.

..I use Aveeno shampoo and conditioner. I do get compliments when I color my hair which is quite frequently as you all know. But did you know that my hair is extra soft and nicely conditioned? Don't be afraid, next time I hug you go ahead and smell my hair and perhaps just feel the texture. You might say ooooh.. or ahhhh. ;)

..I'd like to think I'm a good driver. I have a very good record, never had a speeding ticket. I never was told I'm a bad driver but.. I was never told I'm a good driver, haha. I won't lie because people have honked at me, I'm guessing they weren't pleased with me?

That's all I have for now. There's plenty of not so good traits I have but I focused on that in Day 1 which I'll leave there for now. I love you all so much and appreciate you humoring me and reading my entries :)

With all my love,

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Happy Thursday!

I'm still sick and I want to thank my laptop for existing. Keeping me a little occupied throughout the week as I am constantly trying to get comfortable. Once I do I have the internet at my hands while my head is laying on the pillow. Sounds silly and at times I dispise the internet even existing but I really appreciate it these past few weeks.

I had to go back and reread Day 1 & 2 for this specific topic. I'm very insecure with myself and it's something that I'm pretty sure I'll always be battling. I will say I'm working on it, always say that I suppose but I couldn't tell you how much progress I've had. There are things I do better with than before and other things that I still feel the same about. If any of this makes sense... just bare with me.

I asked Charlie what he thought people compliment me most on and he pointed to my heart... The heart is a beautiful part of us as it keeps up alive, strong, pure.. If ever you feel confused or upset feeling lost, turn off any noise around you, isolate yourself and put your hand on your heart. Feel your heart beating, that's real. You're real, life is really happening. The most important thing in your life is you and that heart is there helping you, your best friend who hides away but protects you.

I know looking at pictures the average size of a heart and it's funny to me think about Love. I have so much love, I feel it and know it's there. I love so many people and care so much that it's hard to believe it all fits in there. I thank my parents for raising me to use my heart, to get upset when I hurt people, to cry when I lose someone, to greet everyone with a hug and when I leave them because I want to. I thank my heart for letting me fall in love and then having my heart broken just to know what it feels like to love, be hurt and hurt others.

My heart has taught me so much about who I am and when something happens and I feel some sort of emotion it's just reminding me, 'hey I'm in here still, don't worry.. not going anywhere.' I love my heart and I'm glad that people feel I have a good heart.

Thank you, I love you all.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I got a little of topic venting about my recent adventure with the fun filled flu. I really would have liked to skip this one, Day 10. I'm a little far behind but this one is hard. I honestly do not have anyone currently in my life that I need to let go of. Sure there are people that have hurt me badly in my life but believe me when I say any who has I do not associate with. Of course they will never read this because of the fact.. I do not associate with them.

I'm at the point in my life that those I befriend are people that I wish to have in my life as I begin to grow even more. I feel we're at the stage where we get married, buy a home, raise a family. These are extremely crucial parts of our life and we want to share that with people we feel will be around for along time.

So with that said there is no one at this time in my life that I wish I didn't know. There are people I love that I wish didn't hurt other people whether they mean to or not so perhaps I can take the time to ask people to take a step back when they're in a situation. Think before you act and really ask yourself will what I say hurt this person? Do I want to hurt this person? Hopefully, you're answer is no I do not. That will help with relationships in your life. I myself am guilty of this in my life. I'm no angel but I've learned alot from my past. I'm working on making better decisions for myself as they effect those I love around me.

I love you all very much and look forward to sharing the future together :)

Love always,
The sick one..

There's a difference between beating yourself up and being honest with yourself. You can not change the past but you can learn from your mistakes. Always look for the positive that came from any bad situation.

Not My Cup of Tea

I have not felt this sick in so long. It's 'The Flu'. I don't even feel it deserves to have a 'The' before it's name. That shows power, power you deserve. Kind of like .. The King.. The Zoo.. The Love of Your Life. You know what I mean? My couch has been my home for the last week +. I'm pretty sure my body shape has now been formed within the cushions. Peanut has been my buddy, licking my nose, face and keeping me warm. When I'm uncomfortable I watch his belly breathing, moving up and down and it seems to relax me. Thanks Peanut baby for being so cute and not take up so much room as Charlie would have had he have laid on the couch with me.

So this stupid sickness. I didn't realize it was out so soon but then again it's always floating around in the air, crawling on door knobs. I tell people that if you're sick stay home or start taking stuff ahead of time. I stayed home but I didn't take care of myself as well as I should have.

In case you're wondering if you have the flu, I'm not a Dr but these are all the symptoms I've had which I guess are enough to have the flu.

*It started with a sore throat but no congestion at all, just post nasal drip and a little runny nose. I was never really stuffed up.
*I've been really weak. To the point I walk around a little and I'm lightheaded and need to sit down.
*Chills and sweats. I get cold where I'm shaking and then get hot where I sweat. Fevers too. Get a thermometer to check yourself whenever you feel you're not normal.
*Which leads to my fever dreams. Ever get those? Of course I didn't mention this to the Dr lol, but I've had such crazy fever dreams.
*Everything hurts, my joints hurt, legs, feet, knees, arms, neck, back, you name it. It's all aching.
*I have a cough, a really dry cough where nothing seems to be loosening up. My chest hurts everytime I cough and once I start I can't stop until I gag. I didn't realize but I have bacteria in my lungs which is also bronchial per the Dr.
*My head hurts and feels like someone shoved a balloon inside and blows it up when they are bored which is often.
*I've been nauseous and definitely had my share of getting sick over the last week.
*I'm extremely uncomfortable in my body. I lay down in one place and get up and sit in another, then back and forth.
*I look in the mirror and it's not me.

If you have any of these symptoms, again I'm not a Dr but I recommend you go see one!

Thanks for listening to me complaining, lol :)


Saturday, October 16, 2010

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Drifting apart sounds so sad and depressing. Reading the title of Day 9 made my eyes a little watery, I'm not going to lie. I even avoided this topic for a few days. Life is real, friendships are real, falling apart happens.. even if we try with everything we've got. Everyone has those friends, maybe a group, or a few.. even just one. Those friends that knew everything about you, you could be silly with, confide in, cry with and just be yourself with.

There are different stages in life as with school and after.. elementary, junior high, high school, college, work.. If you look at pictures during those times do you find yourself laughing thinking, "Wow, I looked like that? Look at my hair! Look what I'm wearing!" It was a different time. Look at those pictures again and who you're sitting next to. Was it a Birthday party with a group of girls/guys that you barely see anymore? Some you may scratch your head wondering where are they now. That's life and it was different then.

We take so much with us during these parts of life. Perhaps, we learned not to bleach our hair, or follow a ridiculous trend or specific groups of people in general. We also learn from all the wonderful friends we had.

I have special friends and family in my life that I still talk to but unfortunately never see. There's also those I still care about that I don't hear from anymore. I'll always hold them close to my heart because the person I am, they are partly responsible for. I had a friend that taught me that complimenting people makes them happy and smile. I love seeing those reactions. I also learned alot about myself that it's okay to sing, dance and be myself no matter who I'm with. That you can go to the store, try on clothes just to try them on and not buy a thing. That pictures are so important in life and there began my passion for photography. I had artistic friends that inspired my throughout High School that I love so much.

So I sit here writing this all for anyone to read. There's not just one person that I drifted from but instead various parts of my life that pushed me to grow. I look at these last few lines and think how strong I am. Honestly, I'm not. My heart definitely hurts a little thinking back to some great times with such awesome people, but it's happy pain if that makes sense. It hurts because I know it was real and it helped make me who I am.

So thank you to those special people in my life. You all know who you are.

Love you all,

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell..

This is a sensitive topic for me. It hits close to home in regards to those I love, family, friends and even strangers. I feel that everyone at least once in their life has been 'bullied.' For those who can't think of one time, there could be a slight chance that you were the one doing that bullying. There's also the chance that those that were picked on had also done the picking on even though perhaps we didn't mean to. I know I'm guilty of that.

I don't define this as old school bullying. You know, stealing the lunch money, throwing someone in the garbage can, shoving their head in a toilet, kicking them in the hall, etc. The list continues. It is also just making fun of someone plain and simple. Criticizing how they look whether you're saying it to their face or behind their back. The moment you are in privacy with a friend and the two of you are talking badly about someone else because you don't care for them, that's bullying. You're using their name in a negative way which most likely will come back to them.

It's awful how much bullying has increased. I think back to learning in school about how all of these different countries fought wars because they weren't from the same background. Then it was whites and blacks. Gays/straights. It'll never end. You would think in a world with so much to offer we would spend our time enjoying life than making it hell for others. I'm so sad seeing all of these headlines in the news, young kids committing suicide because of others ambushing them, posting slander, harassing them. It's unbearable but the best thing we can do is spread love, surround ourselves with good people who have the same morals as you do.

There's no one particular person who made my life hell but I think back to one of the worst years of my life. Back in Middle School and a few people who liked picking on other people. It always started as 'harmless' pranks or jokes but their intentions were anything but nice. Someone always ended up hurt. I knew about something they were going to do to a girl so I let her know to save her the pain. Of course it came back to me and I ended up getting harassed. I remember pretending to be sick for almost 2 weeks just to avoid going to school, hoping that by the time I came back they would forget about it. It was awful and I cried everyday. The whispering, the eveil looks. That's bullying believe it or not and those few people smiled everytime they saw my eyes fill up with water. I even got to the point where I was pleading and apologizing to them. I look back and now being much stronger than I was then cannot believe I did that. People can be so evil.

With every bad experience we have there's so much we learn from it. Believe me when I saw those few people I never considered friends even though as years passed they were always nice to me. I don't need people like that in my life when I have so many wonderful people who are genuine and truly care about others feelings. I just hope people grow up and learn from their past as I did.

I love you all.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Je t'aime Papa, Mémère & Grandma..

I grew up with a Papa, Memere and Grandma. There was no Grandpa as he passed away when my Mom was 5. I remember people bragging about getting spoiled by their grandparents. I didn't know what that meant exactly. Having quite a few cousins under my Papa and Memere and just a few under my Grandma it was all I needed. On each side our families were close. My cousins were my friends and no one ever kept us apart.

I was in 1st grade when my Papa died, going into 8th grade when my Memere passed away and lost my Grandma a few months after that. All fought the cancer battle. Not a day goes bye that I don't think of them somehow. I've learned so much from each of them but today I share some history about my Papa and I.

I learned that tomatoes were not my deal when I helped my Papa plant his vegetable garden. It was really small and he knew I loved cucumbers. He gave me a few seeds and showed me how to put them in ground. Before no time a huge cucumber grew intertwined with a tomato plant. I remember when he took the tomatoes off went in the house and told me to try it. I was such a fussy eater. Believe me I was. I said 'Papa I don't like them'. He said '..sure you do, you won't know until you try.' So I did and puked on the floor. He then went to say that we learned I don't like tomatoes.

I also learned from my Papa how my eyes are definitely bigger than my stomach. Going back to my comment about being a fussy eater I also wasted food, alot. When Papa made spaghetti he would put a few strings on my plate. I'd ask him for more and he would tell me that when I finished those I would get more. There's hungry kids out there. You know the speech, we've all heard it. How clever, though, right?

I learned from him the importance of gifts and how you don't have to spend money. The cucumber that Papa and I planted together. Well, he wrapped it up for my 5th Birthday in Newspapers and I opened it in front of all my friends and family. I'll have to find the picture but you have never seen such a smile on a little 5 year olds face like mine. It was to this day the best gift ever.

My Papa nicknamed me Squarehead and to this day when I look in the mirror I can see a square shape to my face. He always teased me about how much I talked, but I loved to and he never once told me to hush. I loved making him smile. I always told him stories and when friends came over I brought them next door to meet my best friend, Papa. I followed him around the house and asked a million questions. Again, he always smiled, answered and was so patient with me. I must have been such a pest.

When he was sick with cancer near the end they had to put a bed downstairs for him. I would come over everyday and my Memere would let me go and open the blinds then I would crawl up in the bed and cuddle with my Papa. He had a favor red/black plaid blanket that was so warm. When my Memere was sick she gave me Papa's blanket and told me she knew Papa would want me to have it.

I remember the first time I made milkshakes in the blender. My mom let me put all the stuff in and she pressed the buttons. I filled up a glass and brought it next door for Papa to try. I'll never know if he really liked it, but he devoured it and asked for another glass. I was so excited and came back to tell my mom I had to make more.

We would go to breakfast almost every Sunday at Saints. My Papa knew everyone as he walked in and everyone called his name. Reminds me of my Dad and how he seems to know people no matter where he goes. Everyone got breakfast foods which to this day is my least favorite meal of the day. I wanted a donut. I saw them on a glass tray when we walked in. No one thought I should but my Papa ordered me the chocolate covered donut. I would cut it up with a fork and knife and every week I got the same kind of donut.

We went to church back then every Sunday as well and sat in the same pew week after week. I always sat next to Papa. I looked up to him.

People make mistakes in life but my grandparents always forgave people and did whatever they could to help anyone. They were wonderful. They had big hearts and enough love for everyone even strangers. I wouldn't be where I am without any of them. I could write a book about having each one of them in my life and what has changed. Today I look back on my Papa as he was the man of the family and say he made my life worth living.

I love you so much and miss you.


Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Throughout our lives there are going to be certain things that happen which we will consider to be 'the worst thing ever to happen.' Then something new comes up down the line which becomes 'the worst thing ever to happen.' It's an ongoing cycle which we can't avoid nor excape. It's scary at times terrifying. Death is on my list when I think of the worst days of my life. Death means letting go without having time to get yourself ready for it. Death means saying goodbye to someone that you truly didn't get that last goodbye with. Death is permanent and that truly scares the hell out of me.

Without extending this long, depressing post I will get back to the topic and here is my answer. I hope that I never have to say goodbye to those I love. I know it will happen but it's something I never want to do.

I love you all too much.


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I am such a slacker. The proof is how far behind I am with my days. It's interesting that the topic would be something I hope to do in life. I will never do anything if I continue to be such a slacker, haha!

My Memere (french of course) and Papa (irish) visited Ireland many moons ago. I always loved looking through their photo album. Everything is green, ironic I know! They did site seeing and took so many pictures. It's kind of comforting knowing how much it must have cost to develop back then.. and pictures for special occasions, vacations were so minimal for people. They took up an entire photo album, though. My most favorite photos were each of them kissing the Blarney Stone upside down.

I truly hope to visit Ireland someday and take pictures just as they did and kiss the Blarney Stone.

<3 KT

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

This is tricky because at this time I'm not upset with anyone or hold a grudge. If there was a point that any issues occurred they have all been resolved. This will be short and painless. I'm flying in the clouds with no lights or radar!

I forgive whoever created the Cell Phone. It makes me mad to think I depend on it, constantly checking texts, sending them, capturing random moments, freaking out if I forget it or the battery is close to dying. How sad is that in which such a small, fancy piece of technology can have such a crazy grip on us. I do cheerish it and love having it for all of those reasons I just listed. I forgive you the creator of the Cell Phone. I'm pretty sure you traded your soul for that invention, haha!!

Love you all,

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

“Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty”

I missed a day, sorry about that. I'm making up for it with two and it's a bit late. In reality though I thought all day (yesterday, not today) of what I was going to forgive myself for.. I just didn't have the opportunity to write it all out. I'm definitely disappointed with myself for various things looking back in life. Regrets is probably the correct term, but the truth is we all have them.

I have to admitt that its a bit odd to write to myself saying I'm sorry and then after replying.. it's okay? I'm not going to lie, it's weird. So how did I do this? How did I come to the decision to forgive myself for this specific thing? What made me choose this? I'll be honest I had to look deep into the mirror and talk to myself for a little while...

One of the biggest issues that consumes me is my insecurity. There is so much that I can stand so rewinding a little to how I came up with this topic.. I had to look in the mirror. The mirror can be your worst enemy, you're judging yourself when you look straight at it. One insecurity spreads like a wildfire in Cali. At this point in my life I've finally come to the conclusion (even though I always knew this) that this is my body and I'm stuck with it. My skin will never be perfect but there's things I can do to improve it the best that I can. Weight is an issue to everyone in all different sizes. To someone else you look fine but to yourself you're not happy. I want to be happy with myself and comfortable in my skin.

Dear Me,

I am very sorry for spending the majority of my life feeling insecure. I know that inside I'm beautiful and have a heart of gold. I am forgiving myself for the times I looked in the mirror with tears rolling down my face feeling unhappy about my appearance. That's not fair to you. Now that I'm forgiven I can move on and learn from this.

Thanks self, you rock ;)


Sunday, October 3, 2010

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

30 Days of Truth: Today we dip into the clearest ocean and swim with "LOVE"

I don't know if this is a quote or not. It's a thought so perhaps I've heard it once before. "What can be your best quality can also be your worst." Does that make sense to you? It does to me.

Love! This is my absolutely, favorite word in the dictionary. I'm in love with love, everything about it. I feel it's important to over use it! You can never say it too much as people are scared of. I know how it makes me feel to hear it so I can only imagine what day I've made for someone else expressing how I feel about them. I hope.. when I die I'm remembered for trying with all of me to make everyone feel loved.

I love.. love.. LOVE.. big heart. I feel it and hear it so I know it's there. I have so much room to care for all the people in my life and even more. I'm pretty sure that the love in my heart is unlimited and it's a great feeling. My heart makes me hurt, cry, and feel anger. I love it, all the feelings make me real. green eyes with freckles. I was told when I was very young by my Papa that the green made me more Irish than others. It's silly when I look back but that's what I think of when I really take a good look into them (in the mirror of course).

.. that I'm observant. I feel that I would have made a great Profiler for the FBI, haha. I don't want to call myself someone who judges in a negative way. I can look at someone and in my head create a summary of their life and them. I've come to find out after knowing them that I was right. Where ever I am I've observed my surroundings, so I'm never really caught off guard in a situation. I really love that about myself.

..that I'm a hardworker. No matter what I've done in life I've worked really hard to get where I ended up whether it was a short period of time or long. I have a house now with the love of my life and 3 crazy animals but I (we) worked really hard to get here. I never gave up even though perhaps there were times that made it easy to. I'm happy that I put all of me into anything I take on. love for photos. I may not be a professional photographer, maybe someday I will be! Not today though ;) I've caught some great times for people and because of that they'll always have those memories. Which leads into my next love..

.. my appreciation for memories. I don't want to say I dwell but I'm one that enjoys telling stories from my past and asking alot of questions about others. My friends have probably heard some of the same storie a thousand times. Side note.. thanks for letting me repeat myself because it means something to me :)

.. my energy. This is funny because at so many times I have the 'lack' of this, haha. I was a spunky, happy child who talked, sang and danced too much. Nothing wrong with that. As I got older I lost a little of that and calmed down. I think over the past few years I've slowly got back to my so called 'ways'. I love talking, singing and dancing and believe me you can never do any of those too much!

I may add onto this list but I'm very satisfied with what I've written so far. I love you all so much and thank you for taking the time to reading this and being apart of this journey!

Love always,

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

30 Days of Truth: Today focuses on the word "hate"

I know I missed a day, yesterday ended up being too beautiful with various things happening in my life to sit my butt down and open up to tell all what I 'hate' about myself. That word makes me cringe. For those who know me can vouche for me when I say I barely ever and I mean extremely seldomly do I use that word. Most likely you would find me in tears, crying, barely breathing if I were to use that in a sentence included another person's name. Sure I may say foods I h-te or certain clothes, etc. There's no emotions behind that and it just flowers from your mouth. However, when you're including someone's name in that sentence it becomes almost a sin, curse, a swear, gasping... did you really say that?! Moving on now that I've clarified a bit on the background and what this word means to me you'll understand that this is difficult. I guess you have to go through the bad to get to the good. It's funny that 'hate' is the first topic in the 30 Days of Truth.

I hate
.. my skin and because of that I wear makeup everyday. It's time consuming and I feel that I'm hiding my true self from the world. It's also oily which I despise..
.. my teeth, perhaps I needed braces as a child regardless they're awful and I have a small gap between two teeth.
.. my height. At times I like being small but you can get left out because your voice doesn't get heard. No comedy behind that, it's true. I'm overlooked.
.. my heart. It's too big. I feel too much for everyone and worry constantly. It causes me to put everyone and everything in front before.. well, me. I'm learning this though alot lately. I feel guilty even saying all of this but at times this is just how I feel.
.. my eyesight. Contacts are convenient and glasses are just uncomfortable (for me). I can't see without either so going under the water is a challenge of mine.
.. swimming skills, or should I say lack of swimming skills. I can swim in a pull and in the ocean stay where my feet touch the ground. I know that the possibility of me drowning someday is very likely. I'm a terrible swimmer and those who know me, know that. Because I can't swim well I'm scared of the water, deep water. This then causes me to be scared to go on a boat. Damn you stupid swim instructer Ann from when we were little for scaring me so much, pushing my head under the water and traumatizing me. Damn you..
.. that I'm scared of heights. My knees lock up and I can't move when I reach the edge. I can't enjoy rollarcoasters, and when we go on hikes I won't go too close to the edge.
.. that I don't follow through. I have wonderful ideas and projects in my head and never pursue them. It's laziness I know, but I still hate the initial process of stepping over all those ideas and never going back to them.
.. when I hurt people. Going back to the moment I was a child anyone I had upset, family, friends, or people I really didn't know it follows believe me. Never in my life did I ever initially hurt anyone but sometimes it does happen whether we plan it or not. My heart chips everytime I feel that I've caused anyone pain or stress.
.. my scars. They make me feel damaged. Even though it's only really me that can see them, I know they're there. I can feel them. Reminds me of the surgeries to remove the breast tumors as well finding the endometriosis. It makes me feel weak.

I might beable to go all day listing all of these. I want to take a step back though before I get carried away. Even though I do hate all of these things I also have learned from everything. But I'm following the instructions of this exciting adventure. We'll see what's in stored for tomorrow. Thank you for reading. Feedback is always much appreciated.

I love you all so much!