Saturday, October 2, 2010

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

30 Days of Truth: Today focuses on the word "hate"

I know I missed a day, yesterday ended up being too beautiful with various things happening in my life to sit my butt down and open up to tell all what I 'hate' about myself. That word makes me cringe. For those who know me can vouche for me when I say I barely ever and I mean extremely seldomly do I use that word. Most likely you would find me in tears, crying, barely breathing if I were to use that in a sentence included another person's name. Sure I may say foods I h-te or certain clothes, etc. There's no emotions behind that and it just flowers from your mouth. However, when you're including someone's name in that sentence it becomes almost a sin, curse, a swear, gasping... did you really say that?! Moving on now that I've clarified a bit on the background and what this word means to me you'll understand that this is difficult. I guess you have to go through the bad to get to the good. It's funny that 'hate' is the first topic in the 30 Days of Truth.

I hate
.. my skin and because of that I wear makeup everyday. It's time consuming and I feel that I'm hiding my true self from the world. It's also oily which I despise..
.. my teeth, perhaps I needed braces as a child regardless they're awful and I have a small gap between two teeth.
.. my height. At times I like being small but you can get left out because your voice doesn't get heard. No comedy behind that, it's true. I'm overlooked.
.. my heart. It's too big. I feel too much for everyone and worry constantly. It causes me to put everyone and everything in front before.. well, me. I'm learning this though alot lately. I feel guilty even saying all of this but at times this is just how I feel.
.. my eyesight. Contacts are convenient and glasses are just uncomfortable (for me). I can't see without either so going under the water is a challenge of mine.
.. swimming skills, or should I say lack of swimming skills. I can swim in a pull and in the ocean stay where my feet touch the ground. I know that the possibility of me drowning someday is very likely. I'm a terrible swimmer and those who know me, know that. Because I can't swim well I'm scared of the water, deep water. This then causes me to be scared to go on a boat. Damn you stupid swim instructer Ann from when we were little for scaring me so much, pushing my head under the water and traumatizing me. Damn you..
.. that I'm scared of heights. My knees lock up and I can't move when I reach the edge. I can't enjoy rollarcoasters, and when we go on hikes I won't go too close to the edge.
.. that I don't follow through. I have wonderful ideas and projects in my head and never pursue them. It's laziness I know, but I still hate the initial process of stepping over all those ideas and never going back to them.
.. when I hurt people. Going back to the moment I was a child anyone I had upset, family, friends, or people I really didn't know it follows believe me. Never in my life did I ever initially hurt anyone but sometimes it does happen whether we plan it or not. My heart chips everytime I feel that I've caused anyone pain or stress.
.. my scars. They make me feel damaged. Even though it's only really me that can see them, I know they're there. I can feel them. Reminds me of the surgeries to remove the breast tumors as well finding the endometriosis. It makes me feel weak.

I might beable to go all day listing all of these. I want to take a step back though before I get carried away. Even though I do hate all of these things I also have learned from everything. But I'm following the instructions of this exciting adventure. We'll see what's in stored for tomorrow. Thank you for reading. Feedback is always much appreciated.

I love you all so much!